"We regret to inform you..."

Words you’ve probably seen many times before in a curt, succinct email. Maybe you’ve even seen them sometime in the past year. I know I have.

Just what is it about those words that cause more frustration than consolation? The fact that the sender probably doesn't feel any regret at all? The fact that the words have been used a thousand times? The fact that they’ve been used a thousand times on you?

In any case, when you are on the receiving end of this message, I feel as though there are one of three reactions you can have:

1) You saw it coming because you knew you hadn’t put in enough effort somewhere: the application, the interview, the resume. It’s a bummer, but you’re not totally surprised.

2) You’re disappointed but manage to move on after a little while. Maybe your heart wasn’t entirely in it, or you soon find something else to focus your energy on.

3) You gave it your all. You put in 110%. You had the passion and motivation. But it still wasn’t what they were looking for.

I think it’s pretty clear which reaction hurts the most. How do you cope with rejection after putting in so much hard work? What do you do when your best seemingly isn’t good enough? What does it do to your mind when you ask yourself, “What could I have done differently?” and for your ultimate answer to be, “I have no idea”?

I went through a rejection like this recently, and while I was angry, sad, and disheartened, I was also frustrated—because I didn’t make it, but also because I didn’t know what to be frustrated about. I had put every effort into this application, planned ahead for months, prepared my answers in advance. But in the end, I was only one in a sea of hundreds, maybe thousands. It was as if the invisible—my passion, eagerness, drive—was not as important as the visible: the words, facts, and numbers on the application pages. There was something I didn’t have that other applicants did, and I let that unknown haunt me for weeks.

In times like that, there is one thought that can propel you into your next step. It occurred to me after days of moping and brooding, and it took me even longer to accept it as true. Allow me to share it with you now: It isn’t always about you.

When we are rejected, we tend to forget that the world doesn’t revolve around us. It's easy to get lost in your emotions, dwell on your mistakes. It's even easy to think about all the ways the other party did you wrong. But licking your wounds will only get you so far; let that sink in now, when you are (hopefully) not in this kind of scenario. Particularly in the case of Reaction 3, wallowing in self-pity will just lead to madness because, as I mentioned earlier, asking yourself a question that has no clear answer can do a number on you.

Sometimes rejection is brought about by circumstances entirely out of your control. Just thinking about that already opens up the world to you again. There are so very many people out there, all made unique by their character, their upbringing, the choices they made in life. Most times your path will not cross with theirs, but if it does, there is a chance that their exact position at that moment gives them an advantage over you. That could be a daunting realization: the fact that it is essentially you versus an indeterminate sea of people. But it could also be encouraging: you may not have been the right fit this time, but you will be someplace else. Maybe in several places.

In this case, to hear "It isn't always about you" may sound more comforting than scolding.

And let me be clear: this reflection is for occasions that fall squarely under Reaction 3. Coping with Reaction 1, and even Reaction 2, requires different approaches (and maybe a little self-assessment). This post is for the moments when you feel utterly powerless and lost, when you yourself feel like the wrong answer. It may seem like the end of the world, but remember: the world is a lot bigger than you.

How many times are you going to be told “no”? Probably a lot. Perhaps even more than you’re told “yes." What matters is how you move forward, how you pick yourself up off the ground. Because while the reason why you were rejected may not be about you, the way you carry yourself from then on is all about you.

And believe me--I know all this stuff is easier to ponder when you're on the other side of the situation. But maybe next time, instead of asking yourself, "What could I have done differently?" consider the question: "What can I do now?"

I guarantee you'll have an answer.